Only two weeks after the last performance of Performing Wellness? It feels like forever and also like yesterday. I hear myself saying passages out aloud as I ride, clean the yards, drive in the car… I am lonely without the nurturance of the words, audiences and the loop of gift received, offered and received again.

However, there has been time to recover my energy, to sleep, to open to the next stage on my journey (and it is on the horizon) and to feel the shifts that are in the air and the earth.

Mostly that is all that I know now. There is a shift coming to me (or am I moving to it?) I am better than I used to be at sitting in the limbo of the premonition of shift while it is in that odd place of being just an intimation, with no certainty of direction. It is still an unsettling time, shaking me as it does without the comfort of a destination.

This has been going on for a while, I realize as I look back at some email correspondence. In May I wrote:

The past few weeks, and this last week in particular, I have been feeling that the next change for me is coming. My challenge is always to Just Let It Unfold. And not rush to work it out/make it happen. To do that I have to acknowledge where I am afraid and needy in the way that leads to forcing outcome… Oh la la! At least I am better at it than I used to be but I still have to DO It!! And although the struggle is shorter and less bruising each time, it is still something to swim through. (I can’t seem to master floating!!)

I can expend far too much Power in struggling to hurry/solve things, to understand things, to plan and take care of things that are not yet!! And that is certainly not healthy!! and notice how I used the word THINGS!! So, I stop and ask myself, ‘What things? What about my Soul? Ahh, relax. Breathe.’  And then miraculously, it all seems to solve/evolve itself! Not necessarily in the way my wildest dreams and greatest fears had imagined but solved/present it is!

(It was about a month after that the ‘yes’s’ for doing the show suddenly arrived. And not in the way and form I had been ‘working’ toward but very differently,  the one woman show.)

More exchanges of that period, before the Yes’s.

“what tells you the next change is coming?”

A cluster of awarenesses

” ‘I have been feeling’,  where do you feel it?”

I feel it in my mind, my wandering thoughts and imagination, in my jumpy   emotions, general restlessness, dis-satisfaction with where I am and what I am doing. Then I stop, and drop down into my deeper self. If the Knowing that arises tells me it is to do with ego-stuff then that is one thing. If, when I have sat with those, I still feel like there is something pushing from outside of me, outside my wishes and needs, then I know, ‘Ah, something is coming.’ And the discomfort is the expression of my Ego (that aspect of the earth-conscious Self, wanting to be in control, be safe, be feeling sure) who is anxious and panicky. So, I try and remind myself that there is something way bigger than THIS and that I am taken care of in ways I cannot foretell. I have jumped/flown off bigger cliffs than these and somehow always landed well.

“Or is it a thought pattern?”

I recognize the patterns I have when faced with change (present or on the way.) I also know that when I let go of the needing to KNOW and being fearful of my physical/material where-with-all then I am just calmly excited and I love the unfolding!

“Is there a longing for challenge, unfolding, mystery, intimacy, to be understood?”

Always the above! Yes, maybe I get bored when I feel that I have reached the place that the last change was taking me – a sort of plateau has been reached and now time for the next level/layer of learning? Or self-expression as I get closer to my real Self…  That old ‘Doing What I Am Meant To be Doing.’

Intimacy/To be understood. Well, yes and no. Some people ‘get’ some of me and I ‘get’ some of me. But that doesn’t matter as much as it used to and when it does matter a lot then I ask what is that about?! Usually anxiety, feeling worthless! I recognize that I have me and what it usually means is that I need to be offering/being more and to be understood is not as vital as to be loved – in the higher sense of the word. (Not that the carnal variety is so bad!!)

“You sound very self disciplined, good for practical things, but does self restraint curtail passion and desire?”

Oh I am not self disciplined unless in the sense that I have evolved a way to appreciate Life/Love/Spirit as a way Being in the world. My experience has shown me that the discipline is only in Paying Attention without attachment to outcome. (Sort of a Shamanic/Buddhist blend I guess!) It is paradoxically not self-restraint but perhaps more really dropping into the Higher Self – not a restraint but a diving in! There is no restraint unless it is of the Ego. (Whom I don’t mean to bad mouth by the way! But I am of the opinion it should not rule the roost but rather serve the cause!)

Passion and desire are gloriously free and rampantly at play! That is not the same as covering up fears and what-have-yous with escapist activity! Rather, being able to dive in and know I am safe and cannot be hurt or hurt – now that is freedom! I am passionate about life, about people, about discovery of all kinds.

“What happens to your wildest dreams?”

Now that is interesting. Do I curb them because I don’t believe in them – or believe in them for me? Um…  that is what I have working toward this last year I think. Hence the Big Change coming – time to step into them. Are those wildest dreams really just the hinting at the Spirit’s Path? Pay Attention!

“Too high a risk? been there?”

When I look back and trace the steps of my journey – yes, always moving there. And no, not too high a risk except that the likelihood of Success is even more scary!  And no, not been there fully – yet!!

“Is passion a reason for change or necessary before it? do you choose it or does it come along while you wait for the change to unfold?”

Oh wonderful!! Do they have to be separate? Can they be a circle?
Do I choose passion? Or does it arrive while I wait?… um. I think it is sits there like a fire only needing the right breeze to fan it into action. It is always there, actually now I think of it, but sometimes almost goes out due to (yes) Lack Of Attention!! And so Change, or the Great Spirit, nudges the passion (my Soul?) into a flare up!

“What if the next gift is your wildest dream? How do you know if it has come if  you’re always waiting?”

I hope it is!! I hope that I am ready. I don’t believe I am always waiting. Some may but not me. I simply hesitate wondering where the next door is, although over time THE door is getting nearer and clearer. The many smaller doors I have opened and plunged through are leading me to the Big One. It is also perhaps a matter of being prepared/readied – what I am doing now I could not have done before etc.

“Do you ever leap? follow inspiration or does it come after much deliberation?”

Oh honey, I leap!! Some would say I leap way too precipitously and sometimes even I think so! (Because I went for the wrong reason –‘ running away from something instead of moving toward something. A wise comment from a friend of mine when I was about to do one or the other of my many leaps! Not always easy to tell the difference!) More often it has actually been a slower subterranean process that suddenly erupts. What I have learned is to pay attention to the tremors so that I (and others) are not so taken by surprise!

So, today, about three months after that exchange, I am really aware again that my  balance is altering, feeling that perhaps the next shift, change is coming. I have just had a wonderfully affirming experience of my own power in the service of bringing the creative endeavors of others to a wider audience through my own creative inspiration and work. I have been given the time and opportunity to sit with that, to slow down and ground, to feel and pay attention to the next doorway that is glimmering, apparition-like, but coming closer. No wonder I feel a little anxious, a little sick, excited, impatient and so, so fortunate.

Last night I rode home in the falling dark on my little gray horse. We came back along the trail above the creek, the cold air floating up, brushing my arms. The sun had gone below the horizon in a shatter of brilliant gold-edged clouds, and we were under Venus, the first night star.

Crossing the creek, Mariah’s legs splashing the water up to my boots, the smell of mud and dust around me as we made our way up the steep slope, I was filled with enormous gratitude. This moment, this time, this place was giving me all that I needed to be where I was and who I was. And each moment is the way to the next and the next. Leading the mare back in the dark to the yard, her breath touching my neck, feeling my boots on the ground, I knew with certainty that the shift is coming and I am ready.

This morning I am calm. I have much to do that is of the practical everyday nature. And my passion and dreams, the journey of my Soul and Spirit, are interwoven with the everyday. As I honor all the strings of my life’s expression, so the tapestry that emerges will be beautiful, strong and useful. The creative inspiration that I embrace, explore and risk out in the world guides me on the journey. The shifts of balance are what keep us moving, the shifts between dreaming and doing, creating and producing, the shifts of balance between floating under the night sky on my horse and picking up her manure in the morning. Breathe.

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