This has been a weird week. After the splash of excitement where last week I publicly made the Big Commitment for the Personal Magic Book there has been, by necessity, a slowdown. Along with that has been a little too much time for second-guessing myself. The old ‘who am I to put out a book?’ question.

I know that I am not the first writer/artist to feel that wobble of doubt. Why do we do that? Is it because we don’t believe the offering is ‘good enough’? So, how is that evaluated anyway?

Is it because we don’t feel we deserve it? By whose measuring stick does that arrive?

Is it because we are afraid of negative response, and from where does that fear come?

I think Yes in some degree to all of the above. For so long I have been a teacher, a director, a producer operating with ‘levels’ of excellence by which the outcome was evaluated. The habit is deeply embedded. It is both a useful tool and also one that blocks. I am grateful that I have some solid experience by which to stand back and look with an objective eye at the creation. I honor that lived experience. However at the very same time, I want to give the intuitive, emerging voice equal time and value.

Deserving comes with proof of merit as recognized in the ‘real’ world. Have you paid your dues? Have you taken care of business? Have you done the nitty-gritty before you leap into this arena?

Oh, yes and yes and yes! What is more, I continue to be immersed in each of those aspects of being deserving, being worthy. It is not once done and checked off the ‘to-do’ list. Real deserving is maintained by continuing the nitty-gritty of life.

My stuff is good enough? Check. I am deserving? Check. What about fear of negative response? That is biggie in a society where being accepted if not outright loved, being right and rewarded with approval of others is ubiquitous. I could write a book about this element alone. Maybe I have! In a way that is what Personal Magic is! A pathway to eliminate fear of negative response from your life. Suffice to say here, it is a useless old habit of being, and for me, more and more, only a pale ghost of a fear. It deserves no other mention!

When something arises from deep within us, when we are unable to ignore its call, but have to DO it, it is like being caught up in the current of a powerful river. Sometimes it slows down but it is still moving us along. Other times it speeds up with eddies and rips that pull us along, past the stationary ribbon-like Not-Doing banks on the edge of the journey.  I wave my arm at that safe, still place under the trees and call out,  ‘Hey, save me a place!’ but I am already passed by and on down the river.

You know where rivers take us eventually – out into the sea, spewed out of the mouth and into something vast and strange. The water tastes different, the waves are vaster and there are unfamiliar creatures swimming in the depths.

I also remember that we human creatures came from the sea. So when as creative beings we bring our gift into the world, we find ourselves back out in the vast beginnings of our earliest inception. When we relax and dive under the biggest waves, surf in on the long breakers, float out to the islands, we are actually fully at Home.

There is then, one more reason to be second-guessing myself at this stage. That absolute upside-downer, put the world on its ear, spin me around one. Maybe I am just more afraid of SUCCESS than all the rest. Mmm… The responsibility, the work, the demands and expectations that come with success are pretty terrifying really.

I am shaking my head and smiling as I write this, at the ultimate irony. I teach, guide, facilitate and encourage others to step into their creative endeavor. Unequivocally, from my most deeply knowing Soul, I tell them it is the doing that matters, the process. ‘Be truthful and the outcome will take care of itself.’ I am generous, wise, kind, inspiring and encouraging  – to others.

Oh creator, create thyself! I realize that I have emerged from the personal, inner creative state and am stepping into the public arena. Perhaps the greatest gift this book journey is giving me is the mandate to walk straight, strong and steady in my Personal Magic. It is what the book is about. Here for me today, from my own book, is the Aha!

In ‘Stepping Into Your Personal Magic’, Chapter 5 of Personal Magic – Creativity and Spirit for Empowerment in Times of Change, I write:

Resist the temptation to wait until you have all this down before you start doing  it. You can be creating the art as you uncover the path, and the reverse as well. In fact by doing it you will create and uncover it. If you wait until it is ‘perfect’ you will miss so much, as will the world, and you will probably never actually find or  share it. There is a wise song/poem by Leonard Cohen (‘Anthem’) with the lines:

Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.

Let the light in on your story.

….

 So what stops you from the creative endeavor? Years of being told your ‘art’ is not good enough, or that others know you better than you do. (‘Oh you don’t think that.’ ‘Don’t be silly.’ ‘That’s just your imagination.’ ‘It’s not that big a  deal.’) Indeed those may be so, but you can only know that for yourself through  your personal journey.

            ….

What else stops you? Fear – fear of being wrong, looking stupid, being surprised,  disappointed, or worst of all, hurt. Perhaps also it is a fear of being free and finding yourself flying. When you are flying, not buried in the mud, hidden in a  cave or clinging to a rock in the crashing surf, then what? You are, in short,  empowered – to follow your personal and unique path, create your life, your  story. That is Big!

 So, I promise you – read my book, work with me and know that you are playing with the real deal. This didn’t just pop out of nowhere. It is a lived and living knowing that comes through me regardless of my most fearful scenarios. Who’s afraid of the sea of success? I am and I am also relishing the swim!

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